Skip to main content

Monday Mood

I had a bit of a moment this morning where everything started to make sense and I almost smiled.

The day started in a gloomy fashion at 06:00 and I knew I was in a mood because yesterday I felt odd and out of sorts all day. I made the man a cup of tea, made his lunch (I'm so domesticated) and fed the cat. I got dressed in the dark, caught the train in the dark and was almost at London Bridge by the time the World started to illuminate itself. I found a colleague on the train and we caught a bus together for what is normally my 20 minute walk and got into the office at 08:59 which in my book made me early.

My Inbox has been full of pretty dull emails all day and at lunch time I went to Boots to buy some hair dye.  Seriously my life does not get more thrilling than this.

But I took 20 minutes out from the intense excitement and logged into an amazing freewriting website (750words.com) that I found last week. During my race to get to 750 words and fulfill my daily quote of typed words I started typing the truth. A strange thing about freewriting is that you spend days and days typing very self-conscious thoughts about how bad your writing is and what you're doing today. It's all very front of the brain stuff.

But after a few days something clicks and you start typing stories that have been shelved in a grey box in your grey brain for a lot of grey months. And finding endings for witty put downs you wanted to shout at someone years before. Or memories well up from hidden depths and suddenly you're writing stuff that you wouldn't mind other people reading. 

That happened this morning. I've been so preoccupied with the film-that-won't-work and the new-story-that-I-don't-completely-trust-yet that I'm starting to flounder and flail and ever so slightly give up. But a sentence came out today that I trusted and gave me a glimpse of what I can make the film about and a little smile almost passed my lips.

Almost.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Moving Goalposts

Some days you can feel as though you're on top of everything and it all makes completes sense.  The goalposts to a job being completed are clearly signposted and you can tick them off as you progress. Other days you can feel as though you're sinking and no matter how many goals you tick off a few more appear on the horizon and nobody warned you they'd be there. I set myself goals and these are added to what everyone else has decided I need to do.  So they multiply and the list gets longer and falls off one page onto two and suddenly you're staring at a tunnel of objectives and no light to shine on them for clarity. It's deeply frustrating and I'm the sort of person who needs set targets to reach.  If you change the targets it's like you've personally attacked me and ruined my day for fun.  I know that's not what actually happens but it definitely feels personal sometimes. I have 2 new pieces of work to hand in on Monday that weren't menti...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pleasantness

Sitting on the train is something I spend the majority of my week doing.  Some days I hate it and count the stations off with frustration and rage that I've chosen this way to travel to work.  Other days I'm indifferent and the countryside slips away infront of me until I'm at Charing Cross without realising I even boarded.  But days like this morning I actually enjoy it and relish every second spent before arriving in London.  Leaning my head against a finger print heavy window staring at fields and terrace houses listening to music and drifting off to sleep between stations.  Dropping in on loud conversations between giddy (there is no other word to sum them up) fifteen year olds heading for school.  Drowning out a business man angrily whispering into his mobile by turning my iPod up a fraction.  Noting that the woman sitting next to me is trying desperately hard not to lean on me though the Southeastern train carriages aren't design...
Post a Comment
Read more

Disconnect

There is a feeling of being lost which has been creeping up on me more and more over the past few weeks. It makes me feel as though I am a different person to the one I was a month ago. Different thoughts, different priorities. Even so far as saying different voice, different body, different face I see in the mirror. I do not feel like I am me and the more I try to reach myself or sift back over old conversations and emotions to find myself the less graspable 'I' am. I can hear my voice talking at people. Sense me ears listening and my brain nodding along happily inside my skull. But there is a disconnect. And in that gap I do not like the situation. I don't feel comfortable and I don't know how to get up and be even remotely okay about where I might end up. It may simply be a bad Monday or a bad week about to start. When the disconnected fog descends, as it certainly will again and again and tomorrow and the next day again and again, I will try to be ready to ...
Post a Comment
Read more