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The Zoo


 Kev and Nigel are two Emperor penguins.  They sit and stare at the audience.  Kev is intent and almost aggressive in his stance.  Nigel is more fidgety and bored.  He gets up and wanders out of Kev’s eyeshot.

Kev                        Nigel.  Nigel? 

Nigel                      Yes

Kev                        Where did you go?

Nigel                      I was behind the rock

Kev                        Don’t do that again.  Stay where I can see you

Nigel                      Sorry mate.  Wasn’t thinking

Kev                        No I know your weren’t.  But you need to keep sharp.  Stay with me right here Nigel

Nigel                      All right mate calm down

Kev                        You know we can’t afford to be split up these days Nigel

Nigel                      All right Kev.  All right
.
Kev                        What did you see behind the rock?

Nigel                      Well I only just got round it when you started calling for me

Kev                        And did you see anything?

Nigel                      No cos you started calling so I turned straight round didn’t I?

Kev                        You sure you didn’t see anything at all?

Nigel                      No mate.  Nothing at all.

Kev                        Right.  Okay.  Well that’s good isn’t it?

Nigel                      Is it?

Kev                       Yeah it is.  If there’s nothing over there and there’s nothing here then we’re alright for the time being aren’t we?

Nigel                      Kev we really need to talk about this

Kev                        Yeah but we’re alright aren’t we?

Nigel                      We’re on our own mate!  Completely alone.  And we really need to work out what we’re going to do.

Kev                        We’re going to sit and wait for the man with the fish bucket to come back and then we’ll eat and then we’ll swim and sleep and it will all be normal again.

Nigel                      There is no fish bucket man Kev!  It’s been at least three dawns and I’m hungry and I don’t want to watch another dawn and still be hungry.

Kev                        Go swim it off Nigel.  Calm down.  We need to stay calm.

Nigel                      We need to work out where the others went and why the fish bucket man isn’t coming anymore and if he definitely isn’t coming anymore then we need to find some fish buckets. 

Kev                        The others must have got out the other night. 

Nigel                      I think they went in those boxes.  I told you we didn’t need to hide.  We should’ve got in those boxes with them.

Kev                        They wouldn’t have gone in those boxes.  I told everyone not to get in them.  They looked like a trap.  I told all of them not to trust the boxes.  They must have made a plan without us and snuck out.

Nigel                      They must’ve got in those boxes Kev! 

Kev                        So they were trapped and now we’re the free ones.

Nigel                      No...we’re still in here aren’t we?  How can we be free?

Kev                        The others have left us alone for three dawns now.  No more watching ones and sticky fingers hitting our glass.  I like swimming in peace Nigel.

Nigel                      But don’t you miss the fish bucket?

Kev                        Of course I do!  But I don’t miss the watching ones. 

Nigel                      No well I don’t miss that either mate but you’ve got to admit that maybe we shouldn’t have hidden all that time.  Maybe we should’ve got in those boxes too.

Kev                        Nonsense.  Swim it off.  That’s an order.

Nigel                      Maybe I don’t need to follow your orders anymore though Kev.  You’re the reason I’m still sitting here waiting for the fish bucket that obviously isn’t coming.

Kev                        You will swim it off and calm down and then come back and sit down here and keep watch while I have a swim. 

Nigel                      We need to get out.
 
Kev                        I like it quiet. 

Nigel                      I think the whole place is shut.  It’s never been shut before.  I like fish buckets more than this place being all quiet and empty. 

Kev                        I like fish buckets more too.

Nigel                      Right.  So what are we going to do?

Kev                        I don’t know.  I thought the boxes were a trap.  Like last time.  Sorry Nigel.  Maybe you were right.

Nigel                      Don’t worry mate. 

Kev                        No.  Okay.  Is the fish bucket man really not coming?

Nigel                      No one has walked past in ages have they?  They’ve all gone. 

Kev                        Wouldn’t they have counted us? 

Nigel                      You would’ve thought so.  But you did make us hide well didn’t you?

Kev                        Yeah.  I did.  I am hungry.  Are you sure...

Nigel                      The fish bucket has gone!  It’s gone!

Kev                        Okay okay. Sorry.  I feel really bad now mate.  Sorry.

Nigel                      Stop saying sorry.  It’s not really helping. 

Kev                        I think I know how we can get out.

Nigel                      Really? 

Kev                        Yeah.  If you get on my back and jump you’d be able to reach the top of the glass. 

Nigel                      We tried that before and it didn’t work.  Do you remember poor old Harry hitting the glass? He had a headache and his right flipper in that pink plaster for so many dawns and sunsets.

Kev                        I’d forgotten about Harry

Nigel                      How could you forget Harry? 

Kev                        Well I’ve been worrying about us haven’t I?

Nigel                      Yeah I know but you can’t just forget about the rest of the guys just because they haven’t been around for awhile.

Kev                        It’s been very tiring keeping watch

Nigel                      Keeping watch for no one 
 
Kev                        Well okay we’ve gone over this before.  We’ve already worked out I was wrong.  So now...are you going to give it a go?

Nigel                      Harry was in a lot of pain for a long time   

Kev                        I’ve been training for this. 

Nigel                      Have you?

Kev                        Yeah.  They don’t call me the Emperor for nothing Nigel.

Nigel                      We’re all Emperors. 

Kev                        I’m not going into this again.  I’m The Emperor and you’re just normal.

Nigel                      No mate I’ve explained this before...

Kev                        And so have I...I’m The Emperor...

Nigel                      We’re all Emperors!  It’s our name.  It’s not a title.  You’re just Mr Emperor and I’m Mr Emperor

Kev                        No I’m The Emperor...

Nigel                      Oh do you know what?  Yeah I’ll try your idea...

Kev                        What?  Really?  Oh great.  Okay then.  Jump on my back.  Now jump.
Nigel                      Just like that?

Kev                        Yes!  Just do it.

Nigel                      No mate.  I don’t think I can.

Kev                        I’m telling you you can.  It’s either that or no fish bucket for a lot longer than we’ve known before.

Nigel                      I think I might need to warm up or something.

Kev                        Really?  Okay.  Well stretch or something.  Limbering up might help?

Nigel                      Yeah.  I’ll limber up.  Right then.  Here goes.

Kev                        Jump up on my back.  Right.  Then jump...

Nigel                      Haha!  I did it!  We did it!  Right now it’s your turn.

Kev                        Well yeah.  That’s the bit I’ve never quite worked out.  Can’t just jump on my own can I?

 Nigel                     Well no I suppose you can’t. But you must’ve known that before? 

Kev                        Yeah I did but as I’m The Emperor it’s up to me to make sure my troops are okay and I let you down what with the hiding and the watching.  So this is now the right thing to be doing.  You’re free mate.    

Nigel                      Oh my God Kev what are you talking about?  I wouldn’t have just jumped without you.

Kev                        Yeah but now you can go find the fish bucket man and bring him back and I’m sure we’ll catch up with the others soon.

Nigel                      Kev...I’m just a penguin.

Kev                        I know Nigel.  So am I. 

Nigel                      Well...you know.  Even if I find the bucket man I’ve never been able to talk to him before.  You know I get all shy when they’re around and I doubt I’d be able to keep his attention long enough to bring him...

Kev                        But you can try can’t you?

Nigel                      Yeah course.  Course Kev I’ll try.

Kev                        Okay great.  Bye then Nigel.
Nigel                      Bye Kev. 

Kev                        Good luck mate.

Nigel                      Yeah you too.

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